Can we please call it something else??

I'm probably the person who reacts like this, but the word "placement" totally throws me for a loop. I get chills, I get goosebumps, my skin crawls every time I hear the word "placement" in any context. Especially, of course, when it relates to adoption, but I get it to some degree every single time. I can't stand it. Not because of any subtle connotations or anything, like various other adoption phrasings (most don't bother me at all, I'm not picky re: birthmom vs. first mom, etc.) but probably just because the single most horrible day of my life was "placement day."

Even worse is when I hear about a placement that is happening soon - I can't stop thinking about it until I hear how it went. I torture myself. I usually don't know the people involved, so it's not like I have a vested interest, I just replay my own experience in my mind over and over and shudder whenever the word "place" crosses my mind.

Of course, calling it anything else would do no good, it would just ruin another word for me.

Blurgh, I'm so tired of horrible demon memories. It seems like the only memories I have are bad ones. Stupid mostly-closed adoption! This was not my choice!

P.S. I will probably be posting here slightly more than normal for a little while - I've been asked to speak at an adoption conference in November, and what better place to organize my thoughts than somewhere I can foist them on innocents who don't really care? :D

A year!

It's been exactly a year! Well, a year and a day. Exactly a year ago, he was with me, though. Which is kind of weird for me to think about. Exactly a year ago tomorrow is the last day I had him. I'm not looking forward to it so much...I took his birthday and placement day off. Yesterday wasn't quite as tough as I was thinking it would be, but I was glad I took it off anyway. I wouldn't want to have gotten there and been a mess the whole time.

I guess I haven't written anything here in a really long time. I got married! To the birthfather, interestingy enough.

I always told myself when I was pregnant that if I thought there was anyway he and I could work things out and be together, I wouldn't have to place. I did, and we worked things out anyway. At first that was really tough, because I started doubting everything I had done, but I came to terms with it eventually. I don't regret anything anymore, but I do wish circumstances had been different.

Anyway, I'm going to try and write more. The initial shock has worn off somewhat, so I'm feeling less wordy and connected than I was when I used to write, but I do want to try.

Surprise! I Wrote Something

When I first started this blog, I was pretty sure I was filled with all kinds of wisdom about how adoption should worked. I thought I would find all kinds of things to write about that would "change" things and make everything all better. I don't think I ever had that thought specifically, it was kind of just a general feeling about the whole thing. Now it's been, what, like two months since the last time I wrote? Longer since the last time I wrote anything I actually liked. I'm feeling rather uninspired about the whole thing, and anytime I think about it longer than a couple minutes I find something more...pleasant, I guess, to distract myself with. 

At the time, it was all very rewarding and exciting. I was doing something awesome for everyone involved. I didn't even have to be actively doing anything, being pregnant was enough. It wasn't necessarily  fun, but it was rewarding. 

And now I have this. I do nothing, I sit around and I wait. If it's been too long since I've heard from them, I send them a quick email to find out how they're doing and let them know I'm still interested. And then I wait some more. He's only 5 months old, so he isn't quite asking questions yet. Until then I guess there won't be much required of me. And maybe not even then, I don't know what things will be like by the time he does start asking. 

There are all kinds of things I could be doing, I guess. I could be working on the scrapbook I started when he was four days old. After a couple days I put it down and I haven't picked it up since. I could be writing letters to him in the back of my journal, but it's been a long time since I did that, too. It isn't that there isn't anything to say. I have plenty of things I could write, but I don't. 

It is entirely possible that most of this is stemming from the fact that I haven't done anything for him or his family for Christmas yet. I've been thinking about it constantly for two months and I haven't come up with anything. Maybe I'm just trying to come up with something that is both meaningful AND that he will really enjoy, either now or sometime in the near future. 

We'll see how things go, I guess. 

4 Months

I haven't written anything worth posting in a very long time, it seems like. It's been kind of a huge couple months, so I guess it's not entirely my fault. None of the hugeness is directly adoption related, so I don't want to write much about it here. 

I think part of my problem is that I'm avoiding almost anything that hurts. There are several adoption-related blogs that I read, but lately I've found myself skimming them before I read them just to make sure there isn't anything in them that will hit home for me. If there isn't, I read it and move on. If there is, I skip it and forget about it completely. Saying I want nothing to do with anything adoption-related feels selfish and unfair of me, and I can't figure out why I feel that way. I don't let myself think about it long enough to learn anything about the way I'm feeling. I am not sure if that's me healing and being content, or if that's me shutting out the hard stuff and trying to forget. 

Either way, I'm not sure I'm happy about it. I wish that there was one right answer for everyone, just so someone could tell me exactly what I am supposed to be feeling at this point.

There is a chance that the birthfather will get to meet the baby next weekend. I am filled with nervousness and apprehension and hope. But not too much hope; I wasn't able to give the family much notice that he would be in town, and Thanksgiving weekend is kind of a busy one...I guess we'll see what happens. 

100 Days

It's been 100 days since he was born. I remember very clearly  thinking last April that I would never be here, it was much too far away. The last month of my pregnancy went by way faster than I was expecting. The first week after he was born dragged on and on, I thought it would never be over. Time has flown since then. It's what I hoped would happen, but it's kind of sad. Things don't hurt like they used to. It seems like that should be a good thing, but instead it just feels like I'm forgetting. I'm not, because I never could. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't miss him like I used to. He's different from the way he was when I had him. He's older, and he doesn't know me now. He doesn't need me now. I still miss the way he was in the hospital, but I don't know him well enough to be able to really miss him like that now. 

The rest of it is just...different. I didn't know what to expect back then. I don't know what to expect 6 months or a year or two years down the road. I didn't know how I'd be doing with it 3 months after placement. It's nice to finally be here, but I can't help wonder what it's going to be like next. 

The Visit Went Well!

Not really sure what to say about it yet. There were tears, but I tried really hard! It was fun and comfortable and relaxed. He's so big now. And different. I don't know him anymore. 

I would be willing to do it again, I enjoyed it a lot. I panicked for nothing, but that is usually the case. 

I Have A Visit!

I met with the adoptive parents last Friday to talk about maybe seeing their family. They are coming for dinner this Sunday evening.

I'm pretty sure I don't know how to explain how it's been to be simultaneously so terrified and so excited. I will consider and get back to you on that one. 

It's only WEDNESDAY. I'm torn between wanting this next week to be over and wanting it to last a very long time. I have no idea what next Monday is going to be like at all - all I really have to go on is what it felt like after placement, and I'm sure that won't be ENTIRELY accurate. Right?

I have told myself I have to see them only twice - once to see what it's like the first time and again to see if it's going to be that hard every time. (I'm expecting it to be pretty hard, in case you couldn't already tell. TERRIFIED.)

I will be spending the next four days expecting the Internet to prepare me adequately. I'm sure it will fail, but I can try, right?